SHOCK, FAITH AND ENDURANCE

Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy.  For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.  So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything (James 1:2-4).

Where is God when that phone call comes that changes your life forever?  When the caller gives news that leaves you shocked, speechless, bewildered and you have no idea what to do next?

Events and their repercussions surrounding mental health disorders have pervaded much of my adult life, suffered by family members and myself.  Things like worry, sleep deprivation, juggling family necessities, atypical health issues, work stress and other life circumstances can alter anyone’s mental state detrimentally.  More serious mental conditions such as depression, anxiety, manic episodes, paranoia, and narcissism can sneak into your life and loved ones’ lives uninvited, with no quick fix or cure.  They are like shadows lurking in the wings of life’s stage, ill-defined. 

Over time, I became increasingly aware that it would take months, even years, help from friends, family and professionals, and intervention from God to understand more fully the complications of these shadows and to realize breakthrough.

SURPRISES AND BABY STEPS

When I was a young wife and mother, life quickly picked up pace after we moved to Northern Virginia.  Our oldest child started Kindergarten, our second child entered preschool, and soon we were expecting our third child.  My husband commuted to DC daily for work, his days were long and exhausting.  One morning, I received that call from his supervisor who asked me some questions about his mental state at home.  Then told me that my husband had been transferred by ambulance to the military hospital for evaluation.  Still in shock, I drove to the hospital and navigated the hallways.  I learned from the doctor that my husband had been first surprised, then agitated and had to be restrained.  They injected a dose of an anti-psychotic drug to calm him.  He was certainly not himself.  I was scared.

The days in the hospital turned into weeks.  My husband refused drug treatment, but went along with the therapy and group sessions for ‘training and preparation,’ which fed into his firmly planted delusion of becoming a presidential appointee.  I visited him as much as I could, to help and support him even though his thinking and behavior were in left field.  The visits were trying and confusing, even heart-breaking.  The only help he wanted from me was to get him out of the hospital.  I consulted with his doctors and staff, and had regular appointments with a family counselor.  An intervention session was scheduled with immediate family members and co-workers which proved to be ineffective.  All of it was a maze of uncertainty with lots of questions, many unanswered.  Yet, as one ward nurse remarked, we stick with them through better or worse, through sickness and in health.

Towards the end of the ten-week hospitalization, my husband’s supervisor came for a visit on a bright, warm afternoon.  We were sitting in the courtyard of the mental ward when Mr. C walked in.  It wasn’t hard to notice his arrival because a sunbeam had literally shown on him like a spotlight!  I felt such peace and reassurance to see him, to realize he was coming to help.  After some friendly chit chat, Mr. C began to explain that my husband was not going to leave the hospital until he cooperated with the doctors and accepted drug treatment that would level his mental state and irrational thinking.  This was the turning point that we all needed, not just for the patient.  “Plans succeed through good counsel; don’t go to war without sound advice” (Proverbs 20:18).

After returning home and getting back to a different assignment for work, my husband trudged through each day in a drugged haze, gaining weight, feeling lost and bitter.  More paranoia and agitated depression pursued.  He took himself off the meds and in a short time was back in the hospital.  After this six-week stay, the military declared him ‘unfit for duty’ and he was out of a job.  I went to work part-time in a retail shop, juggling a lot of tasks and responsibilities.  Life was a crazy whirl.  Even through these uncertain days, I found myself turning more to God, praying for his strength, accepting the hard days with their pain and frustrations.  Without fully realizing it, I was developing more endurance for whatever might come next.  God was showing me how to persevere, strengthening my character, and depositing expectant hope in my heart.

We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces character, character produces hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom he has given us (Romans 5:3, 4).

REFRESHMENT AND HOPE

Time away from the situation, from the house with all the dynamics of uncertainties and dysfunction, was restorative.  Once a month, I drove to and from a town where I was involved in a small picture framing business.  Five hours in the car provided time to pray, to reflect on the family status, some plain quiet, and some belt-it-out singing with praise CD’s (Bring It On! by Stephen Curtis Chapman).  God’s presence reached me in sustaining ways, nurturing ways that gave me increased faith and resolution.  I would pull into the garage feeling renewed strength to confront whatever might be awaiting me.  

I realized that Christ was my true Rock, my place of calm and strength in the midst of the storm.  I was learning that my role of wife and mother was, “a byproduct of the slow burn of faithfulness,” as Michele Morin describes in her article, The Resilient Mother: How We Bend Without Breaking.  I was becoming more aware “that resilience is not her claim on Christ, but rather, the evidence of his claim on her.”

It took time, but I saw how God had provided for and buoyed me in those trying and life-altering experiences.  With his divine wisdom, hope and strength, and much support and comfort from godly friends, family members and counselors, he helped me to move forward, giving me courage and hope. 

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged (Deuteronomy 31:8).

SUPPORT AND SPIRITUAL ENCOURAGEMENT

In the time of crisis, family members, close neighbors and friends from church came quickly to my side. The clouded side of mental illness is not so well understood by the general public; a stigma is often attached by some when there are so many unknowns, especially 30 years ago.  We chose not to share the specifics of my husband’s illness to everyone, but I was not afraid to ask for help for the practical stuff.  I asked people to pray, too.  “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2).

When my husband was unemployed and exploring other work options and careers, each day had a good deal of uncertainty and stress.  It was around this time that a kind woman approached me after church service and introduced herself.  Glenda had noticed me, probably from the tired look on my face and the short-fused way of managing the kids.  She asked a few questions and I shared a little about our situation.  The next week, she called to check on me, saying we were in her prayers and to let her know if I needed anything.  I decided soon enough that taking the emotional risk to allow Glenda to come alongside and help was one of the better choices I had ever made.  “But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24).  Today, Glenda is one of my best friends and a wise mentor who has walked beside me with counsel and vital support through many challenges.

Even though that was a ten-year season of situational, emotional and mental ups and downs, it was a season of learning to wait on God, to intentionally stand on his promises and that he would not leave me nor forsake me (or my family).  He instilled my days with peace, beyond what seemed possible in my near-sightedness.  When I felt helpless and so alone, God was my help and comfort, giving me a resting place in my soul and a reassuring sense of His presence. 

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:6, 7).

DEJA VU… REALLY?

Years later, I was surprised to receive another one of those phone calls during the end of my son’s senior year in college.  I was shopping for something to wear for his graduation commencement when a call came from the college psychologist who told me that an incident had occurred on campus.  The doctor put my son on the phone; he sheepishly said, “The same thing’s happened to me that happened to Dad…”  I had to go to the campus as soon as possible.  When I explained this to my husband, his comment was, “This is not my problem.”  But this time, I had strength and knowledge within to bear the news and confront the situation.

My son experienced a high level manic episode, was moved off campus because of ill behavior, hospitalized and treated with heavy meds and psychiatric therapy.  Unlike his father, he cooperated with the doctors, staff and treatment plan (what I later recognized as a “silver lining”).  He was not permitted to participate in his college commencement, or even be on campus.  Later, he expressed feeling “crushed, disheveled.”  His pride was gone, his heart felt empty, he even questioned his existence.  Back at home, it took some time for him to sort out what had happened, to heal and to gain perspective on how this incident changed him.  Medications and some counseling got him back on the playing field, but his life had changed dramatically; he would still have periods of concerning highs and lows.  

The family tried to support, love and encourage him to stay the course: take the prescribed medications, exercise, keep the doctor appointments, and maintain balance day to day.  But even so, alcohol was my son’s self-medicating substance.  In one instance, after he had been out all night, I got a call from his friend saying that he notified the paramedics because my son had passed out on the subway.  His friend was no longer with him and I could only assume that my son was taken to a DC hospital so I called every ER around.  Without ID on him, the phone calls proved fruitless in finding him.  Finally, I called one hospital again.  A nurse picked up and said there was a young man in the ward that fit his description.  Later, processing the outcome of another episode, I hoped desperately that this was my son’s wake-up call.  However, he did not overcome the addiction and the practice of trying to heal his condition with alcohol.

 CRASHING DOWN UNDER

Four years later, my son decided to transfer to Australia with his job. We were excited for him yet nervous about him being so far from home.  He settled into his work and new residence, made new friends and traveled almost every week.  Communication was intermittent with the time zone difference and lack of overseas cell lines.  After six months in Australia, I received some unusual emails from him and found posts on his social media sites, but did not have any direct communication.  I was anxious and troubled about what might happen to him, especially if he were to make any rash choices.  I made contact with one of my son’s classmates from high school who lived in the same city.  In fact, this young man had previously met with him and invited him to church.  But now, unfortunately, none of us could locate my son, or get in touch with him.  His social media posts were sporadic and the messages were in ‘code.’  My daughter and I prayed; I contacted others to pray.  There was nothing tangible or humanly possible that we could do. 

Is anyone among you in trouble?  Then he must pray (James 5:13).

About a week later, a miracle occurred:  After a 30-hour journey from ‘down under,’ my son appeared at the curb of our apartment complex, on Ground Hog Day.  I answered a call from an unknown cell number and it was him calling from the taxi driver’s phone.  He said to meet him at the curb so I could pay the fare.  I certainly was relieved to see him in the flesh, but honestly, my frayed nerves and weary heart left me frustrated.  Why did he have to put us through this?  Still, he was clearly not well and needed our help.  This was my son whom I love, no matter his condition.  He looked disheveled and very worn and his talk was nonsensical, “I came home to protect you…. they’re gonna bomb the US.”  The only things he brought with him were his overstuffed backpack, a large computer box containing his iMac and his cell phone with a dead battery.  His beloved guitar was confiscated at the LA Airport Customs where his baggage was searched after the flight from Australia.  He ‘warned’ the customs officer that the Israelis had planted a bomb inside.  God made sure that a very firm but understanding security guard would take him aside and escort him to the next gate. (Another miracle: one day later, the guitar showed up at the DC airport!)

My daughter came running to the door when we entered the apartment.  She hugged him, crying “You made it home!  I was so worried!”  We all were, even his dad.  We met with his doctor the next day. After starting back on the meds, sleeping more, and talking plainly about what had happened, my son began to recover.  He took a ten-month hiatus which included some song writing and recording, some traveling and visiting extended family.  Then, with encouragement to contact his former supervisor, and lots more prayer, his company hired him back again.  My son will tell you that his experience with mental health challenges brought “a spiritual awakening, there was a closeness I achieved with God that came through what I experienced.”

THE PATH OF TROUBLE IS THE WAY HOME

After 20 years of numerous trials, job and location changes, frustrations and heartaches, I found myself divorced and single.  My ex-husband had concluded we grew apart and were not suited for one another any longer.  A sad understatement, but I had to admit, our marriage had suffered more than just misunderstandings through those turbulent years.  He moved to California to start a new life and I remained here.  But God did not leave me, nor did my closest friends and family.  In a way, I sensed an emancipation that was strangely awakening.  My life took a new direction that I never would have guessed…

After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you (1 Peter 5:10).

I have asked many questions over the years.  Did this happen for a reason?  Was this part of God’s ultimate plan for me and for my family?  Had I gained the strength and endurance to face even more trials that God would allow?  Had I found joy in him as I walked this journey? 

I did learn something very important:  I am a sojourner here on earth for this is not my home.  The joy I hope to convey is the joy of seeing my Father and his Son, Jesus – today and for eternity.  These experiences had pushed me to go to God, and through his faithfulness he had seen me through.  I love him better than I ever could if life was easy.  Also, I can love others by sharing what I have gleaned from what God has taught me.

There is no single point in which we can hope to escape from the sharp arrows of affliction; out of our few days there is not one secure from sorrow…  Set not your affections upon things of earth; but seek those things which are above, for here the moth devoureth, and the thief breaketh through, but there all joys are perpetual and eternal.  The path of trouble is the way home.  Lord, make this thought a pillow for many a weary head! 

(C. H. Spurgeon, Morning and Evening Daily Readings)

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you.  Not as the world gives do I give to you.  Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid” (John 14:27).